“I hope you lose weight, love Mark.” That’s what the boy I had fancied for a year of junior school wrote in my leaving book. Seeing that summation of me in black and white, my spirit died.

At age 11, I felt judged, criticised, and not approved of. He and others saw only my imperfect body, not the fact that I was funny and clever and fun. I came to believe that if I wasn’t fat, somehow everything else in my life would be problem-free. As I stepped into adolescence, all of this became my identity.

Fast forward to the age of 33. I was working as a photographer at a press conference for a launch of health services to teenagers and there she was: Shannon, with a voice I had never found, reading a poem addressed to the professionals, pleading to be understood and not judged. I saw the mutuality between us and the difference.

She was the brave teenager I had never been able to be.

I saw a 14-year-old who was awkward, uncomfortable in her own (large) body; and within that there was also Shannon, who was a force of nature, already speaking out. This was the person whose life I would travel for the next 12 years. I would be there to see her first boyfriend, meet her fellow sprouting teenagers, listen to Shannon bickering with her family, observe the nerves of Prom night and her first job, be with her through wayward times and when she began to find her way, discovering and creating meaning and purpose in her life.

We began slowly, working together with mutual understanding and care. Walking alongside Shannon, I could offer her a visual reflection as well as validation and approval. She could offer me insight. It felt like a perfect collaboration. The chemistry we shared was eventually able to flow and enlighten us both.

 

 

We shared so much over the years. Talking and listening to her revealed my own history. I began to see it reflected back to me in a new light: not just the boy who wrote those things at school but the way my Dad had always been desperate to see me “thin”. Getting to know Shannon began to shed a light on thoughts, feelings and instincts I had been living with all my life.  She revealed my history. And this gave me the courage to bring my teenage diaries out of the dark and to read them again. To share them and let them be seen here. To release myself from the shame within.

I am grateful for the trust Shannon placed in me and for the effect the work has had on both our lives.

The relationship between us has been reparative, because I have been able to see the person beyond the fat and she is me. I have learned to see and experience myself beyond what people see, beyond their potential reductive perception of me, or indeed how I perceive or feel about myself. I find that liberating.

Through the making of this work, I have seen how shame has held me back from manifesting my true potential and purpose. The weight of shame kept me from getting to know Abbie, for a while. I’m now 45. And Abbie is more than okay. As is Shannon. It’s been a privilege to get to know us both.